I’m at the point in my life where I don’t know what to do anymore. The person I held closest to me, my best friend, the boy I fell in love with; he’s not by my side anymore. I know initially it was my decision, but for all the right intentions. All of my worst fears are becoming reality. We were always such a tight unit, joined at the hip. When the college process started senior year, our intention was to stay near each other. I quickly came to the relaization that was going to be an impossible task, so I just supported any decision he made. Whenever we would discuss college, I would show a tough exterior and brush it off like I was never affected, but deep inside it was eating away at me and I was becoming increasingly terrified for our future. I know most relationships “work” in college, but I knew that we would have to make a very tough decision on our future before he left, and I don’t think either of us were prepared.
The day I decided to tell him we were best as friends in college was one of the hardest days of my life. I had been thinking for some time about what would be best for us. Seeing as we hadn’t been communicating that well during that time and there was a lot of stress and tension surrounding us due to all the sudden changes going on, I thought maybe that would be the smartest move. We let it all out that night, and ever since I left his house that night nothing has been the same.
We spent multiple days together after that, went out, did things we haven’t done before, like having a simple picnic at the park. Those last few days with him were genuinely amazing but heartbreakingly sad. I knew my time with him was rapidly ending, and I knew once he left I would never get the same guy who was always by my side.
Fast forward to now. Things have been very difficult. I can admit I’m a selfish person, especially towards people I love. Since we’ve been broken up, he hasn’t been entitled to tell me anything. Knowing he has all these girl friends, ones that I can tell see his amazing personality and charm, makes me very scared. It terrifies me. He’s the most amazing guy I have ever met. He has never been cruel, he has always been patient with me, and has always loved me unconditionally. I’ll admit, I wasn’t always the best girlfriend. I lashed out at him for stupid things, I’ve pushed him away when all he wanted to do was help me and support me, and I will always feel terrible for that.
It’s scary not knowing what the future holds. Starting over and having new experiences without the person you love by your side is the most frightening thing you can go through. Knowing that the person you once whispered “I love you” to might be whispering that to someone else makes me want to scream. Knowing there’s a possibility that all your future dreams might not come true anymore can change a person. I am changed. I don’t see things the same way anymore. I am not the same. I don’t believe I can find a perfect guy anymore because I feel like I’ve already met him. I’ve experienced him. I fell in love with him. I still am. And I don’t think anyone will understand what my feeling or actions mean. I don’t know what the future holds anymore. They say, “If you love someone, set them free. If they return, you know it was meant to be.” Well, I’m letting you spread your wings. If you fly into someone else’s arms, I hope they treat you with love and gratitude. I hope if you fall in love with someone else, they will love you unconditionally and treat you like the king you are. Just know that regardless of what happens with us, I will never forget what we had. You showed me what TRUE love is. You showed me how I deserved to be treated. You taught me how to love and be trusting towards someone uncontionally. You showed me what family is. You helped me learn who I was. I will forever be honored and appreciative. Thank you for allowing me into your most private and deepest moments, and thank you for allowing me to let you into mine. I’m sorry. I hope you’re happy. Thats all I will ever dream for you.